Harry and co Write 7th Year Parody!
by Gryffindor777
Summary: Kind of a sequel to Harry Potter and co. write fanfiction. Basically, Hermione finds fanfiction dot net, and the characters write a parody to make fun of us all. It made me laugh anyway...
1. Again with the Angst

A/N: Okay guys. As some of you may have noticed, I've now got a 7th year story that I'm working on, called Harry Potter and the Quest for a Soul. Unfortunately, I've reached a sticky point in the plot, and am getting a bit frustrated with it just now. Thus, I have decided to return to my normal defense mechanism for when I'm frustrated, and be a smart-ass. So, that's what I'm going to do here. So, yeah. This is my 7th year parody. And, just for the record, it should be understood that Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione are writing this story during the summer a_fter _7th year instead of before it, because owing to the events of 7th year, and the plan Harry laid out at the end of book 6, it doesn't seem very realistic to have Harry and company writing a fanfiction story during the summer before 7th year. And, obviously, when I write parody, my main goal is to make sure that I keep it realistic. As a sidenote, you may notice that some of the stuff in here might appear to be making fun of the Sixth Book, instead of just fanfiction itself. Well... that could be the case. And it might also be the case that some of the stuff in here is making fun of plots and ideas that haven't even actually turned up in fanfiction, but that I could certainly see making an appearance. At any rate, you will find that I'm almost completely indiscriminate about what I put into this story. If I think it'll get a laugh, I'll put it in. So there. Oh, and in an effort to make this the longest author's note _ever_, I would like to point out that while it is not necessary to read my sixth year parody ("Harry Potter and Co. Write Fanfiction") before reading this, it might make some of the jokes funnier if you do. Oh, and, obviously, HBP spoilers are all over the place.

Chapter 1:

Again with the Angst

Nearly two years after they had hastily completed their previous fanfiction, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Harry gathered once again around Hermione's magical computer.

"So, does that thing still work?" asked Ron conversationally.

"Yes, it does. It is now showing fanfictions from just after the sixth book came out," explained Hermione. She will do most of the explaining throughout this story as she is the only one to show any conclusive evidence of having a brain.

"Er..." said Ron. "How was the sixth book then? Did that Rowling woman stay faithful to the facts?"

"Well..." said Hermione, who, once again, had somehow managed to read the book about a decade before it hit the market, "all except for the romance. See, apparently her editors thought that it wasn't exciting enough to have Harry and Ginny and me and you going out since the summer, so she put in a lot of romance that looked like it could have come from a muggle soap opera. Or fanfiction dot net for that matter."

"Oh, well, that's odd," said Ron. He had not read the book.

Harry had read the book, and so he grinned at Ron, saying, "The primary upshot of all this, of course, is that you've earned a new nickname... The fanfiction writers who think of themselves as particularly witty have taken to calling you Won-Won throughout all of their stories to commemorate what was quite possibly the funniest part of the entire book."

"One thing she did get right about the romance, of course," said Ginny, frowning, "was that you acted all noble and ended your relationship with me at Dumbledore's funeral."

Harry smiled guiltily. "Well, I made it up to you, didn't I? Within the first five minutes after I defeated Voldemort, I came right to the Burrow and kissed you, didn't I?"

"That's true," said Ginny, smiling fondly at the memory of what had taken place only two weeks before.

That's right. Harry had defeated the Dark Lord two weeks ago, and was currently spending his time writing fanfiction stories about himself. Go figure.

"So, anyway," said Hermione, wanting to get down to business, "do you reckon we should have another go at fanfiction?"

"Sure," said Harry, who found that he was rather bored now that he had recently accomplished his life's purpose of defeating Lord Voldemort. "What are the requirements for the first chapter of a seventh year fiction?"

"Well, it turns out, oddly enough, that you start off really angstish again. Then you make your way to your Uncle Vernon's house, usually accompanied by Ron and I. We talk about the horcruxes for a bit. Then the chapter ends with Harry pining away romantically for Ginny, setting the stage for their eventual reunion. Do you want to read over a couple of stories to get the idea of it?"

So, they read over a couple of stories to get the idea of it. At some point in all of this, inspiration struck Ginny, who yelped (that's right), and said, "Wait! I just remembered! A few reviewers from our last story seemed to think that we were writing a parody because of all the bad fanfiction tendencies we were displaying. Wouldn't it be funny if this time we actually _did _write a parody?"

They all agreed to this idea nonverbally to keep the word count down. Next, they began to write, using italics again to prevent confusion. However, before they did that, Hermione remembered that they needed a word of the chapter. Their word of the chapter was "angst" in all of its various real or imagined forms. Also, Hermione reminded the first person to start typing (Harry, it turns out) to include typoes and stuff. 'Cause typoes and stuff are funny.

_Disclaimer: None of us are J.K. Rowling, although some of our names contain initials which are also contained in J.K. Rowling's name. This _could _be a coincidence._

_A/N: Er... This story will not necessarily flow logically from our previous story, as it has been influenced strongly by the events of the sixth book. But it also might not flow logically from the sixth book either. In fact, it will not necessarily flow logically at all. But that's a chance that you take when you read a fanfiction. Especially a parody. It turns out that this is a parody. Anyway, read on._

_It was summer again, and Harry was once again very angst. In fact, this time he was even angster than he had been at this time last year. This was mostly because Dumbledore was dead, which was in some ways even worse than Sirius having died. Because, let's face it, even though Dumbledore was older than Sirius, and much harder to include in fanfictiony romance situations, he was still a pretty gifted wizard. And now that he was dead, Harry had a strong feeling that all Hell was going to break loose._

_Another reason that Harry was rather angstish was that the dementors were still breeding. The fact that dementors breed was first revealed toward the beginning of book six, and was quite enough to make anybody very angst, especially anybody who actually stopped to think about the fact that the reproduction of the dementors actually suggested that on some level, the dementors were basically having sex. Which is just gross to think about._

_Yet another angsty thought that Harry was having regarded the identity of Dumbledore's killer. See, it turned out that Dumbledore's killer was Snape, which was a particular blow to Harry on the grounds that it is common knowledge among fanfictioners that Snape is actually Harry's father. Although there was an advantage to this fact as wel. You se, if Snape was the Half-Blud Prince, then once Snape snuffed it, Harry himself would inherit the Half-Blood Kingdom. Assuming, of course, that Snape's mother and father, who had obviously been the King and Queen, were already dead, which Harry hoped they were. He didn't want to have to kill them to._

"All right, not bad for starters," opined Hermione as Harry pushed the computer chair back and cracked his knuckles. "Who wants to write the bit about me, Ron, and Harry making an appearance at the Dursley's humble abode?"

"I'd rather wait to do the bit about the Horcruxes," stated Ginny. "I have a somewhat amusing idea for that."

"Why don't you do it, Hermione?" requested Ron. Oh, right. Just to clarify, they're dating. "I've forgotten how to type again," Ron explained.

"Oh, all right," said Hermione as she sat down at the computer desk.

_Then, Harry, Hermione, and Ron turned up at Uncle Vernon's house. They probably apparated there, although we're not going to commit to that. All that is certain is that Uncle Vernon did not pick them up. He was, however, sitting in the living room when they turned up, as were Aunt Petunia and Dudley on the grounds that them all being in the same place will make this scene much easier and more fun to write. _

_So, anyway, Harry nocked on the door to Uncle Vernon's house. There was a very suspenseful moment when Uncle Vernon did not open the door. During this moment, Harry was angstish. Then, Vernon opened the door. "Er... Look. Just get the hell out of here," said Uncle Vernon._

_"That'll be for me to decide," said Ron, proudly brandishing his wand. _

_"You can't use magic outside of school, you silly goose!" contended Uncle Vernone giddily. _

_"Oh yes I can!" shouted Ron. "Now that I'm of age, I can do whatever the hell I want to you. Absolutely no laws carry over to adulthood in the wizarding world! I can even use unforgivable curses! No one will care, in spite of the fact that Harry's house should still be on the watch-list for underage magic!"_

_Now of course, variations of this scenario have been played out in just about every single seventh year fiction that has found its way onto the net in the first week after the release of the Sixth Book. However, in all of these versions, Vernon does the responsible adult thing, and backs down. This is boring. Thus, that will not happen in this story._

_"I'm not backing down!" said Vernon, whose voice had changed from giddy to absolutely maniacal._

_Therefore, Ron quickly transformed him into a pigeon, which flew away and was immediately shot by a poacher. Just to clarify, I am aware that pigeons are not actually protected animals, and therefore the man was not a poacher by virtue of shooting the pigeon. It's just that 'poacher' is such a fun word that I decided that the man was a poacher by trade, and was simply shooting pigeons on his day off._

_To justify the presence of Aunt Petunia and Dudley in the sitting room, they were both given pig snouts, because that goes along well with what Hagrid did to Dudley during the first book. _

"Er, well... that's all that I can think of for now," said Hermione, pushing the computer chair back away from the table once more. "You ready to jump in, Gin?" asked Hermione.

"Yep," said Ginny.

_"So, anyway, about them Horcruxes..." said Hermione after the trio had retreated to a part of the house where they couldn't hear Dudley and Petunia moaning about things like whether or not there insurance would cover plastic sugary for their noses._

_"No, no," said Harry impatiently. "You're pronouncing it wrong again! It's Whore-Crushes, remember?"_

_"Oh, that's right," said Hermione._

_"I don't remember what you're talking about," said Ron. "Can you fill me in?"_

_"Sure," said Harry. "I have to go out and date the four remaining whore-crushes, that's why I had to break up with Ginny. See... Voldemort has hidden bits of his soul in several girls, and until we take care of them, Voldemort himself can never truelee bee killeded. Now, luckily, Cho was the first whore-crush (which is a term defined as "whore who had a crush on Harry), but the bit of Voldemort's soul which was hidden in her escaped when she cried on our date. Now, because of Voldemort's fascination with the four founders, each of the four houses will contain one of the remaining Crushes. Cho doesn't count as the Crush for Ravenclaw, because she's not in our year. So for the four remaing crushes, all I have to do is date them at least once, and then make them cry. That's Cho, plus four remaining whore-crushes, plus Voldemort himself. According to the best mathematicians writing fanfiction, that equals seven. So, there you have it, Ron, that's what we've got to do about the whore-crushes, and it's why I had to break up with your sister. Although I'm not happy about it though." Harry pined longingly for Ginny, and angstened. _

_However, if he thought he was angstish already, that was nothing compared to how he would be once Ginny was through with him. She was not taking kindly to being dumped, and was currently sitting on the Hogwarts' Express wearing a discount button which said, "Apparently, I smell like flowers. Once I figure out how to change my scent from rose to lilac, Harry will pay!"_

_When pressed, the button said, "Sex-crazed flamingos have a peculiar ferocity when angered. Myself similarly."_

_How's that for foreshadowing?_

"Right," said Ginny, pushing back from the computer once again. "I think we've still got some of the old magic from last time we wrote a fanfiction, wouldn't you say?"  
"I think so," said Hermione. "And this time, we could even have a title! We could call it Harry Potter and the Quest for the Whore Crushes. Although fanfiction dot net probably wouldn't let us put that as our title."

"Oh well," said Ron, heavily. "Hey, I just remembered how to type. Do you want me to type up the ending authors' note?"

"Sure!" said everybody at once.

_A/N: Right. So. There's another chapter of Harry Potter and Co. Write Fanfiction. Hopefully all previous readers have been able to find this sequel all right. Er. Hermione probably wants reviews again too. Oh, good. Apparently we're going to bribe you all again. Anyone who reviews this chapter will get one of Fred and George's daydreaming kits as described in the sixth book. _

A/N (from Gryffindor777): Right. Okay. So I think I made a few more references to the previous parody than I had originally anticipated doing, so once again, if you haven't read that, I think it was kind of funny, so feel free to go back and read it. And leave a review if you want. Anyway... I haven't had a whole lot of time to read seventh year fanfiction so far, as I've also been trying to work on a Seventh-Year fic of my own. But, from what I've read so far, a few things are already being overdone, and I tried to include some of that. And, apparently, for some reason I seem to have felt compelled to put an independent plot of my own in here, the whole whore-crush thing. Not even sure why I did that. Anyhow... It's reviews that help motivate me to continue, so please review. And thanks for reading!


	2. Harry and Ginny

A/N: Right, er... Sorry this story took so long to update... I've been putting a lot of time into my other story lately, and have been having a bit of a hard time thinking of funny stuff to put into this one. I guess maybe part of the problem is that I really haven't read enough bad 7th year fanfiction to make a concrete parody out of. So, basically, I'm just shoving what little I can make fun of together with anything else that I find somewhat amusing, and calling it a chapter. Er... I hope you don't mind.

Chapter 2

Harry and Ginny

The next evening, the four teens once again made their way to the fateful computer room in the Weasleys' house where they were all spending this summer. Their positioning at the Weasleys' was more for the convenience of not having to describe another location than for Harry's lack of means to buy his own damn house. Oh well.

"So, what's on the agenda for this chapter?" asked Harry.

Hermione pulled out an agenda. Harry rolled his eyes. He should have known better than to think that there would not actually be an agenda.

"Ah, this one is particularly interesting," said Hermione.

"Is it?" asked Ron, trying to have a look at the agenda himself.

Hermione, who was rather possessive of the agenda, smacked the hand which was reaching out for it.

"Or, we could take your word for it," registered Ginny with a small grin.

"Yes, yes you could. And I would suggest that," said Hermione, hugging the agenda close. "You see, this agenda is the key to the story, which is the key to reviews. Which I am most certainly _not _addicted to again, just for the record. But they do give me a warm, fuzzy feeling rather akin to drinking butter-beer."

Ron grumbled something about how he thought Hermione had said the same thing about his kisses once. Ginny mimed throwing up, and Harry politely muffled his laughter into his hand.

"Yes, but then I remembered that you're not actually a very good kisser," replied Hermione.

Ron looked devestated for a second. Then he remembered that the only girl who he had ever kissed before Hermione had been Lavender. So, his problem was actually more that he wasn't experienced than that he was a bad kisser. He was fairly sure that there was a good way to remedy that problem, but it would have to wait until after the chapter was written. He was fairly sure that Hermione wouldn't let him kiss her anymore at all if he walked out on the fanfiction process at such a critical junction.

"So, anyway," said Harry, in a valiant attempt to get the conversation back onto some sort of organized track. "What do we have to do this chapter?"

"Well, apparently, fanfictiondom is _entirely _dissatisfied with the way things ended between you and Ginny at the end of the sixth book. Everybody seems to be firmly under the impression that Ginny wouldn't give in without a fight, especially when she so obviously does not want to be protected. So, what we've got to do in this chapter is have a more conclusive shouting match between Ginny and you. In some stories, of course, this would end up with you and Ginny dating again. Unfortunately, we can't go that route, thanks to our whole whore-crushes plot-line. But, we can still have a good argument between the two of you," explained Hermione in encouraging tones.

"Ah, that should be fun to write," agreed Ginny in tones that verged on maniacal.

"The only other things we really need to do during this chapter, which is going to be one of the few chapters of this story to take place outside of Hogwarts, considering that that's where our main action will take place, is to demonstrate how wildly out of character the Dursleys are, and also to describe Bill and Fleur's wedding using the words 'joyous,' 'beautiful,' and 'frilly' as much as possible. For the sake of convenience, we may as well have 'frilly' be our word of the chapter as well."

"All right, then!" exclaimed Ron. "I'll start off."

_A/N: Er... Right. So, chapter 2 now. On a sidenote, did you know that muggles are now developing fellytones that use these things called saddle-lights instead of wires? What will they think of next? (Answer: Probably genetics.)_

_For the first several weeks of summer, absolutely nothing happened. Except for this one time when Uncle Vernon sat on a used monkey carrying a pair of scissors. This in spite of the fact that Uncle Vernon had been turned into a dead pigeon during the previous chapter. Hermione had gotten a guilty consciense after the events of previous chapter, and decided to undo basically all the magic that they had performed on the Dursleys. Seriously, that Hermione girl's a nice person, but she really can take the fun out of everythin. She also woodn;t no a good kisser if she found him attached to her lips. Which has happened. _

"All right, enough using the fanfiction as a means to air our personal grievances," griped Ginny. "If you can't handle fan-fiction like a mature adult... well, you'll fit right in with the general fanfiction community, actually. But the point is, you've got to either stop complaining about Hermione's taste in lips or let someone else use the keyboard."

"All right, who wants a go?" asked Ron, getting up from the computer chair and continuing to air grievances about Hermione's standards for kissers in mutters reminiscent of the sort of speeches Kreacher would make when he was pretending he didn't know anyone else existed.

Hermione sat down at the computer desk, and began to angrily continue where Ron had left off.

_Yes, Hermione has, in fact, had occasion to find a good kisser clinging to her lips. Howver, the naem of this excellent kisser was Viktor Krum. So there._

"Hermione!" said a very surprised Ginny. "You know shenanigans like that won't get you reviews! You're going to need all the reviews you can get soon, as you're about to lose your boyfriend at the rate you're going. Now you've lost your computer privileges too. Which is ironic, as it's you're computer in the first place!"

"Oh, fine!" said a disgruntled Hermione, who was still pleased at having gotten her main point in before Ginny caught wise. Apparently, Ginny's a pretty slow reader. Whatever.

Harry sat down at the computer desk, confident that he, at least, could make a contribution of over two paragraphs running.

_On a seemingly unrelated note (which upon further inspection turns out to be even less related than was originally thought, assuming that it was thought to be relevant in the first place), pretty soon it was time for Bill and Fleur to get married. Incidentally, it was a beautiful, joyous, and, er... frilly occasion. Furthermore, the author has just recalled that the word 'frilly' is the word of the chapter. Which is odd._

_Anyweigh, it has been decided (approximately 17 seconds ago as a matter of fact) that since this is a wizarding wedding, many things are going to have to be different from muggle weddings. First off, the entire ceremony was taking place on broomsticks. Frilly broomsticks. From Connecticut. Something else which probably ought to be mentioned is that most of the guests were also sitting on broomsticks. Although the guests' broomsticks were from Spain instead of Connecticut. But they were from one of the frillier parts of Spain. The frills had been manufactured in Rhode Island. Or Road Eyeland. Whatever they call it. _

_Some of the guests, however, were not comfortable on broomsticks, so they sat on chairs instead. These less aerial guests included the Dursleys who had been friends of the Weasleys ever since Dudley saved Percy from the Centaurs one night when he was out prowling the streets of London looking for Hagrid, who was busy looking for beer. That is to say that Percy was looking for Hagrid, Hagrid was looking for beer, and Dudley was looking for a drunk woman to be his girlfriend, although that fact was not technically mentioned during the previous sentence._

_Oh, and Percy was now on good terms with the Weasleys again, and had been ever since he had rescued Fred from a large number of magical insects. The insects were magical because they could eat you. They could also eat George (who it should be noted was not the person who Percy saved. Therefore, the insects could eat Fred too). But they couldn't eat Percy (because Percy had once been a prefect, which was something that all magical insects respect). _

_Anyhow, back to describing the Dursleys and there presents at Bill and Fleur's wedding. Their presents were a large number of breeding quilles which they had bought in Knockturn Alley, where Dudley had managed to get a summer job at Barney and Bucks', or whatever the name of those "B and B" people who owned the shop that Malfoy always went to were called. _

_The wedding went very well, with Bill and Fleur successfully exchanging not only their vows but also large amounts of German Wizarding Coins for llamas (frilly ones, in fact). _

_After the weeding, Harry went to explain to the Dursleys that he would no longer be returning home to their house, but would instead be going to Godric's Hollow, which the fanfiction community seems to have decided is either an enclave, cave, town, city, continent, or small country. Kinda like Luxembourg. _

_Anyway, when Harry told the Dursleys that he was leaving their home four ever, Uncle Vernon cried, Ant Petunia hugged him, and Dudley kissed Harry on the lips, which Harry thought was kind of weird, but decided not to question overmuch._

"All right, that's all I can really think of at the moment," revealed Harry. "You want to have a go Ginny?"

"You bet I do!" exclaimed Ginny. Once again, the author felt that explanation points help to make this story seem more exciting!

So, Ginny sat down in the computer chair, and began to type.

_At this point in the after-ceremony, Ginny kinda showed up, 'cause the current author seems to have a better memory than most of the previous authors, which allows her to recall that the main point of this chapter was to hav a rilly furryus shouting match between Ginny and Harry. _

_Thus, Ginny and Harry dismounted there brooms. _

_Harry said, "Er, Ginny... I don't want to be too forward or anything, but I really think that you ought to start yelling at me. It's the only way that we can resolve our feelings and be reddy to fight He-Who-Must-Be-Named-As-Often-As-Possible-To-Prove-That-We're-Not-The-Type-Of-Pansies-Who-Are-Afraid-To-Say-His-Name, also known as Voldemort, also known as Mr. Parseltongue, also known as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Wizard, also known as Spike, also known as Bob, who is not now nor has he ever been a member of the communist party."_

_"OH RIGHT!" shouted Ginny. "You're a prat! And a git! And a communist! And a fascist! And probably a monk! Or a nun! Or a Shakespearean Toaster! All because you won't go out with me due to noble reasons like wanting to protect me and prevent me from being killed by Voldemort! I HATE people who try to prevent me phrom being killed by Voldemort. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. Maybe I WANT to be killed by Voldemort. Well... Actually, that'd be pretty ridiculous. So, I don't want to be killed by Voldemort. But I DO want to go out with you! Because you're a PRAT, you NUN!"_

_"That was a pretty good job," said Harry._

_"I'm not done with you yet!" shouted Ginny. She then stuck out her tongue. Then, oddly enough, fire started shooting out of her tongue. This made the Dursleys really nervous, so they sat uncomfortably on their chairs for a few minutes until they remembered that they were now all wizards (including Petunia, who had undergone a sex-change when she realized that Uncle Vernon approved of that sort of thing). Then they disapparated. Ginny continued to breathe fire, lighting a lot of stuff on phire. _

_"Wow, that's pretty cool!" said Harry._

_"Yeah, the Arthur has decided that I'm a dragon!" exclaimed Ginny._

_"Don't you mean the author?" aksed Harry._

_"Nope, I mean Arthur. He's my Dad. He has decided I'm a dragon," clarified Ginny. Arthur Weasley waved shyly from over near the Burrow, where he was standing, trying to figure out how to work a muggle fire-extinguisher. Finally, he prodded it with his wand (while still waving shyly), causing it to explode and coat everybody with a thin layer of liquid nitrogen. _

_"Still, it's really cool, and it's made me decide that I _do _want to go out with you after-all. But there's one condition. You'll have to be okay with the fact that I will have to go on several dates with the Whore-Crushes, whom I have not actually mentioned to you to this point, but who I am still sure that you know everything about. Because you're a dragon," said Harry._

_"That's true," said Ginny, at which point she embraced Harry and drew him into a passionated and fiery kiss. That's write, Harry's lips were accidentally burnt by Ginny's. Still, Harry didn't mind the injury, in fact, he was frilled by the kiss._

_Speaking of frills, Ginny was wearing a very frilly dress. The dress had a discount button on it, which was also frilly, mostly to make up for the fact that we've used the word-of-the-chapter almost none at all this chapter. Anyway, the button said "Anthropods who heat computer chips wake up with bad ulcers on thier easy-chairs." When pressed it instead exclaimed "Burly raptors carrying electrical wires to their saddle-lights often get shot down by passsing motorists riding shotgun with shotguns."_

"All right, so the chapter's done then?" asked Ron. "I've got to go and drop Viktor an owl that asks him to give me some advice on kissing so that I can please his ex-girlfriend."

"Oh, all right," said Ginny. "I'll just slap on an ending authors' note."

_A/N: Er, yeah. That was kinda weird. I would personally like to apologize for certain of my fellow authors who seem to have decided that it's appropriate to use this story to vent their own personal frustrations and issues with snogging. So, er, I'm sorry about that. And I'll try to keep them under better control in the future. But, I hope that their behavior will not prevent you frum reviewing. 'Cause reviews are cool. _

A/N from Gryffindor777: Well, yeah, ok. So, there's another chapter. I thought there were a couple of funny parts. Maybe not as good as some of the chapters from my previous parody, but oh well. I can only do so much. : )


	3. Snogging Seers

A/N: Sorry for the long wait for this chapter, but nothing was coming to me in the way of ideas for new chapters. Somehow, this idea struck though, and I ran with it. Hopefully I've still got some people who are reading this story. So far, this one doesn't seem to be getting the same response as my previous parody. Maybe that's because the previous one was better. Who knows?

Chapter 3:  
Snogging Seers

At some point in time after the end of the last chapter, Ginny, Harry, Hermione, and Ron entered the computer room at the Weasley's house again. For a while, Harry, Hermione, and Ron had considered going off and getting jobs to support themselves or something, but then they realized that writing fanfiction was much more fun. Plus, according to most fanfiction, Harry Potter is basically the wizarding equivalent of the heir of Bill Gates and Donald Trump combined, so he decided to support him and his friends from the interest from his bank account so that they could all devote themselves full-time to fanfiction wrting. Some readers may recall that Harry had at one point wanted to become an auror, but then he remembered that since he had killed Voldemort, there was no longer any evil in the world. So, obviously, there was nothing better for Harry to do than to write fanfiction and live in the Weasley's house. Perhaps he would occasionally make appearances in professional quidditch games, whenever one of the players was feeling tired. The possibilities were endless, really.

At any rate, they were all back in the room again, and in an attempt to maintain some form of continuity from last chapter, their topic of conversation shall have to do with Ron and Hermoine's snogging problem which was mentioned last chapter.

"So did you guys resolve your snogging issues?" asked Ginny, who for some reason did not feel at all awkward bringing this up.

"Of course," said Hermione. "I'm the cleverest witch in my year, how would I not be able to figure out how to get my boyfriend to be a better snogger?"

"We snogged a whole lot last night. It was fun," explained Ron.

"Er... are you pregnant then?" asked Harry.

"What? No, of course not! You don't get pregnant from snogging!" said Hermione, very alarmed.

"Oh. Maybe snogging doesn't mean what I thought it did, then," said Harry.

"It means kissing!" said Ginny.

"Why don't we just call it kissing, then?" asked Harry, baffled.

"Because we're British! Derrr!" said Ron.

"If we were British, would we really say things like, 'Derrr'?" Ginny wondered.

"Probably not. But we _would _write fanfiction parodies. Which I think we should do now anyway," suggested Hermione.

"Oh, right. _That's _why we came to this room," remembered Harry.

"What do we need to do this chapter anyway?" asked Ginny curiously.

"Well... at this point in _most _seventh-year fanfiction stories, the author would add his or her take on the Godric's Hollow scene which was promised toward the end of the sixth book. But we're not going to include that in _our _story, because chances are that that could get pretty depressing. And this is a 'humor-parody' story and therefore should not be depressing. So, in the absence of a tearjerking Godric's Hollow scene, maybe we should develop our own independent plot. Maybe this chapter can be one that takes place over the summer, during which we try to figure out who the whore-crushes are," said Hermione.

"That sounds good," opined Ginny. "Although I thought of a possibility for a 6th whore-crush, since we only had 5 before. At least one reviewer mentioned that he or she wanted another American Mary-Sue in this story. Maybe that should be the 6th Whore-Crush."

"That sounds like a good plan," agreed Hermione. "But that probably won't matter this chapter. For this chapter we might as well just stick to talking about the whore-crushes which we have already mentioned. So, let's get on with it. Who wants to write the author's note?"

Harry volunteered, and began to type.

_A/N: As the world's first full-time fanfiction writer living off his parents' accumulated wealth, I would just like to say: You guys should all try inheriting a bunch of wizarding gold. It's a blast, really. And not a blast in a negative way, like with blast-ended skrewts. Blast in an entirely positive way like... like, the _absence _of blast-ended skrewts. _

"Harry, that was stupid. And I mean that in the nicest way possible," explained Ron, which was odd since Ron usually isn't the type of person who _usually _explains things. Mostly because explaining things requires understanding them, which isn't usually something that Ron's able to do. Not that we're saying Ron is stupid. We like Ron. We also like referring to ourselves in the second person plural. We think it makes us look spiffy.

"Yes, well. It's okay if I'm stupid. People with inherited wealth are able to be dumb as bricks. That's the basis of capitalism," said Harry.

"Are you calling me a communist?" asked Hermione.

"No, I'm suggesting that you ought to type some stuff for this chapter. Oh, and remember to put in some typoes. I forgot that we did that. And I think that the word of the chapter should be 'snog' on the grounds that I now know what it means." said Harry.

So Hermione did.

_Due to the fact that none of the author's remember how the last chapter ended, exactly, we're going to start this chapter off about a month after the last one ended. Assuming that this date is still at least two weaks before the start of term. _

_So, anyway, it was a rather snoggy day in what the authors can only assume was approximately mid-August. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny were all huddled together in the library at the Burrow. There had never been a library in the Burrow before, but fanfiction has no purpose (that the current authors can detect, at least) if not to thoroughly contradict all conventional wisdom about the books that it are based on. _

_So, anyway, they were scanning through all the books that they could find looking for any mentionings of whore-crushes wondering why in the name of hell none of these books ever seemed to have indexes. Or indices, maybe. However you spell that word. But it doesn't matter because they don't exist in the wizarding world anyway._

_Anyway, between taking turns swearing at the lack of any useful information in these books, Harry and Ginny snogged and Ron and Hermione kissed, just to keep up with the requisite amount of random displays of affection which are required by fanfiction rules to appear in all fanfiction on penalty of angry reviews from love-sick fanfiction readers who don't get enough action of their own and therefore have to live vicariously throo the romantic lives of their favorite fictional characters. _

"Harsh," opined Ginny as Hermione stopped typing.

"Yes, well. It wouldn't be a parody if we didn't mercilessly make fun of the reader, would it?" Hermione asked.

"Not a good parody, anyway," said Ron, who was still trying to work out what a parody was in the first place.

"Anyway, can I type for awhile?" asked Ginny. "I've got an idea for how we can figure out all that we need to know about the whore-crushes."

"Oh, sure, go ahead," said Harry, on the grounds that he hadn't said anything for awhile.

_"Do you know what?" asked Ginny snoggingly when she was catching her breath after a particularly heated kiss with Harry. _

_"No, what?" asked Harry. Hermione and Ron didn't say anything, because they were still snogging. Those two are always snogging. It's indecent, really._

_"I'm a seer!" said Ginny._

_"You mean like Trelawney?" asked Harry._

_"No, I mean I'm a _real _seer, which as far as I can tell means that I basically can know anything I want to. So, all I have to do to figure out who the whore-crushes are is to perform my special seeing ritual. Then we'll have all the information that we need," said Ginny._

_"But how did you get to be a seer?" asked Ron, who had mastered the art of ventriloquism so as to be able to throw his voice so that he could talk even when he was in the process of snoggeding Hermoine._

_"Everybody knows that in the wizarding world, when the seventh child of a red-headed man is born a female on the night of the full moon in England from a basilisk's egg hatched from beneath a cheap frying-pan shaped like a fruit-roll-up, the resulting child is a seer. And of course, it's common knowledge that I was hatched under a cheap fruit-roll-up frying pan. And to think, if we could have only afforded a classier frying-pan, I never would have become a seer, and we would never have been able to find out who the whore-crushes are!" revealed Ginny._

_"Who are the whore-crushes then?" asked Hermione._

_"I can't tell you yet," said Ginny. "First, I must preform the seeing ritchyouall!"_

_"And what's that?" asked Hermione._

_"I must fly a broom backwards in a figure eight while carrying a quaffle in my wand hand and a snitch in my mouth. I must then put the snitch in the Dursley's refrigerator while reciting muggle nursery rhymes while standing on one foot. Only then will I be able to make a prophecy about the whore-crushes. The prophecy will, of course, be almost incoherent, and will probably take us the better part of a chapter to inturpret. But the prophecy will also rhyme, so we'll get bonus points for that, no doubt. But all of this will have to wait until next chapter, because I think it's about time that we posted this one. But first, look at my discount button!" advised Ginny._

_So they all did. The button said:_

_"Cornish Pixies: Eight times shakier than the Welsh variety."_

_When pressed, it said,_

_"Don't snog me because I'm beautiful, snog me because I'll hex you otherwise."_

_Of course, upon reading this, Harry, who had heard some pretty scary things concerning Ginny's bat-bogey hex, snoggeded her good. Real good. _

"Right then," said Harry.

"Well, I'll write the ending author's note," said Ron.

And so he did.

_A/N: Er, well... obviously, nothing really happened during this chapter, plot-wise, owing to the absence of any actual plot. But I do think that all the snogging should count for at least something. Hopefully, it will count for reviews. Harry has promised us that he will give us extra money in our allowance (he pays Hermione and I weekly now, from his inheritance, just so we won't have to actually go and get real jobs) if we get reviews. We each get an extra galleon beyond our normal salary for each review we get! Having a rich friend is awesome! It's the basis of capitalism!_

A/N (from Gryffindor777): Yeah, so. That was a pretty odd chapter, even by my standards. Hopefully it was still enjoyable. Or maybe it was enjoyable _because _it was weird. I'm not really sure where all that came from. All I know is that I was wondering when I was going to write the next chapter of this thing when inspiration struck about Ginny being a seer and having been hatched from a basilisk's egg. I'm sorry that it's kind of a bit shorter than the previous chapters, but I wanted to get something out there since it's been so long since I've updated this one. So... I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Review if you feel like it.


	4. A Poetic Prophecy

Chapter 4:  
Poetic Prophecy

One fine day in early January, the author (also known as: "me") was not in any particular mood to go into much detail about the circumstances leading up to the gang actually getting around to writing the next chapter. So, things are going to be rather abrupt. For example:

"Hey, let's type some stuff!" commanded Hermione, in that bossy voice which Ron apparently finds irresistably attractive. There are probably several very complex psychological reasons that Ron felt this way, but, once again, the author is simply not in the correct mood to write about complex psychological reasons. Or anything complex really. He also finds it beyond his ability to actually write in complete sentences some of the time. Anyway.

"Yeah, let's do!" agreed Harry. He decided it was easier to just agree. He figured that Hermione might actually hit him if he tried to resist. Let's face it, she had hit Malfoy in the third movie, and she's gotten loads more rebellious since then.

"Perhaps the word of the chapter should be marshmallow," said Ron. Any deliberation over this would require more effort from the author, and is therefore out of the question.

What is not out of the question is that Harry sat down in the computer chair and began to type the disclaimer and author's note. In fact, this is what he did.

_Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction do not reflect the opinions of the authors. Nor would the authors be so bold as to actually claim that they would own these opinions even if they did hold them. Because we all know that J.K. Rowling owns everything. Er. That is to say, J.K. Rowling owns our opinions, she doesn't actually own _everything_. And I'm not entirely sure that she actually owns our opinions either. She just owns the right to actually _publish _our opinions. Which is kind of a poor deal. But we make up for it by writing fanfiction._

_Author's Note: Right. So. We're gonna right some stuff, which you probably want to read (elsewise you probably wouldn't have gotten quite this far in the story). Thus, proceed._

Ron, Hermione, and Ginny read what Harry had typed. They gaped a bit. Then Ginny said, "Harry, lay off the pot." Or, at any rate, she said whatever the British equivalent of "Harry, lay off the pot" would be. So, probably something more like "Wotcher, Harry, er, cheerio, set down the kettle." Or something. The author is feeling neither particularly British nor particularly coherent at the moment. He apologizes for any inconveniences. But he doesn't apologize very sincerely.

"Yeah, well, I don't feel like typing tonight," Ron announced.

"Why don't you have a go, Ginny?" asked Hermione, because for some reason the author prefers to write about Ginny writing than to write about Hermione writing. For some reason he's under the impression that Ginny has more potential to be witty. The author's kind of strange. But he much prefers the label "unique."

Anyway, Ginny, completely oblivious to the author and his reasons for having her type, began to type. And it turns out that what she began to type about was the whole "seeing ritual" detailed in last chapter. The author was vaguely surprised when he realized that this was what she was going to be typing about, having basically forgotten about the seeing ritual until he reread the previous chapters. This is why the author should not _take _three months (or however long it's been) hiatuses. But the author is in his sophomore year at college now, and is rather busy.

_"So, tonight's the night for the seeeing ritchual?" asked Harry excitedly. One would _assume _that he was excited about the prospect of finding out who the whore-crushes were, so that he'd be better equipped to make said whore-crushes get all teary-eyed, and thereby render Voldemort mortal. But, as it turns out, the reason that he was excited was that he wanted to see the Dursleys' reaction to Ginny when she showed up _

_The way the four of them got there was by broomstick because the average fanfiction writer does not seem to keep track of the fact that doing so would break a number of muggle secrecy violations. Either that or the average fanfiction writer assumes that the wizarding world has fallen into complete chaos after the death of Dumbledore. But it hasn't in this fanfiction, because all the characters realize intuitively that since this is fanfiction, Dumbledore probably won't stay dead for long. _

_It is important at this time to remember that on their way there, Ginny did whatever it was that was described in the last chapter... something about a backwards figure eight and a snitch in her mouth, or something. We would look back to our previous chapter to remember what was going on, but we have discerned from the fact that most fanfiction stories lack internal consistency that looking back at one's previous chapters must be cheating. _

_Anyway, once they got there, they knocked on Uncle Vernon's door. _

_"Howdy," said Uncle Vernon, who was wearing a cowboy hat for the occasion. This reaction was quite less dramatic than that for which Harry had hoped. Nonetheless, Uncle Vernon soon stepped aside to make way for Dudley, who was not wearing a cowboy hat but was instead wearing one of Ginny's discount buttons which she gave him at the wedding the previous day. Or whenever it was. Fanfiction writers, I've noticed, rarely take the time to actually remember how long ago any events actually happened in their stories. _

_Anyway, the button said "Maybe _you're _a Horcrux!"_

_When pressed, it answered itself: "Actually, I'm a caffeinated Jack O' Lantern." _

_Incidentally, Dudley was not in a good mood. He was a man scorned. "Who are you, and what have you done with my marshmallows?"_

_"What marshmallows?" asked Ron, through a mouthful of marshmallows. Dudley stared at him. "What, I got these from the muggle convenience store. Because fanfiction writers often forget that we are don't buy things from the muggle convenience store, partially because they almost _never _accept galleons."_

_"They're in the refrigerator," stated Dudley._

_"What are, the galleons?" asked Harry. _

_"No, the marshmallows," rebutted Dudley. _

_"Why would you keep marshmallows in a refrigerator?" asked Ginny._

_"Because that's where we've got to go put the snitch, remember?" asked Hermione._

_"Oh, right," stated Ginny, who then proceeded to go stick the snitch in the Dursley's refrigerator, enabling her to make the following prophecy._

"I can't think of a prophecy," said Ginny. "And we mentioned that it was going to rhyme, and be completely incoherent. And, come to think of it, it should probably contain several spelling errors, as I largely slacked on those, but don't real feel up to going back. You feel up to writing the prophecy, Hermione?" asked Ginny.

"Sure do," said Hermione.."

_"The first whore-chrush hastens into dating Harry_

_Never knowing whether Voldemort is a cherry_

_Fleeing Den Thomas this one will abscond_

_Her long flowing hair is probibly blonde_

_The second one is sort of a prude_

_If you say anything to her, she'll think that you're lewd_

_The third one may not even be a girl,_

_but if he's not then Harry might hurl_

_Even though the last term probably wasn't British_

_The second of the whore-crushes also plays Quiddish_

_And dont think that we've forgotten the fourth whore-crush_

_Whenever you say the word "death-eater" this one will blush_

_Now we return back to the first elusive soul holder_

_(we could have stayed in order but we found this way bolder)_

_You will find that this won is not quite so brite,_

_She often forgets to stop her car at a red light_

_Yes, she drives, in fact her mother's a muggle_

_And this girl also has a tendency to like to snuggle._

_We've given enouf clues for number one, now here's number two_

_Try as you might, you would never expect that this one would like you_

_The first one, as we've mentioned, seems to be a boy,_

_But his name is not, as a matter of fact, Roy._

_The fourth one, again, does not like the word "death-eater"_

_Perhaps you'll know why, whenever you meet 'er._

_And as a side note, not a single whore-crush looks like a marshmallow_

_even though one of them eats way too much jello._

_That's all there is in this sacred prophecy,_

_Now it's time for Harry to go get all kissy._

"That seems like a good place to end the chapter," stated Hermione, once she had finished the prophecy.

"Ok, I'll write an ending author's note," said Harry.

_A/N: So, this is shaping up to be... er interesting. Anyway, since it's been so long since we've updated, we've got to give a good prize to anyone who reviews. So... anyone who reviews this chapter gets 10 minutes alone with Ron, no questions asked. Except maybe by Hermione. Who _does _have a wand. So, you may not want to take too many chances with questionable behaviors, but, still... getting to meet Ron is still a good prize. He's really neat. Or, whatever neat is in British._

A/N from actual author i.e. Gryffindor777 i.e. a rather lazy author: Right... soo... I started this chapter in September, then had to go back and make some changes and finish it. If I've still got any readers after so long away, I'll keep this thing going, as it is still easier to write than my more serious fic. I'm not entirely sure whether this chapter was even funny though, so let me know if you have a chance to review. Thanks! Also, thanks to whoever it was that suggested one of the whorecrushes should be a male... i was looking through the reviews and couldn't find it right away, but if you want credit, message me, and I'll put your pen-name here.


	5. Summaries and Quidditch

Chapter 5

Summaries and Quidditch

A/N: After getting 9 reviews in one day after not having updated for... several months... I feel that I owe you reviewers another quick update. I can do this because I'm still on Christmas break, and that means that the most pressing things I have to do include procrastinating from actually reviewing for the Latin class I'm taking next semester, and playing computer games... So, here we go.

The day after writing the previous chapter, all of the characters gathered once again in the computer room. Just to clarify an inconsistency from the previous chapter, the author would like you to imagine that although the author is writing in January, the characters should still be understood to be writing during the summer following seventh year. If that didn't make sense to you, please ignore it and move on.

As a sidenote, Ron was also present in the room in spite of some fairly questionable things that happened to him as a result of the previous chapter's review incentive. He was temporarily kidnapped by one ash vault rose garden and was held for several hours before he remembered that he was able to apparate. So, he did that.

Hermione had temporarily considered being appalled at what might have happened to Ron at the hands of the several teenage girls who had spent time with him the previous day, but when she discovred that they got 9 reviews out of it, she decided it was all worth it. Ron, on the whole, disagreed.

Either way, they were about to begin typing the next chapter when Hermione had an epiphany. "You know what?" she asked.

"No," said Ron, truthfully. He seldom knew what.

"We've never written a summary for our fanfiction story!" stated Hermione, in a tone which suggested she found this to be a major problem, on the level of discovering that your pet chipmunk has come to be possessed by the spirit of Dr. Phil. If you're wondering when exactly you _got _a pet chipmunk, you'll want to speak to Dr. Phil about that.

"So you're saying that our fanfiction story has just been floating out there on the internet without a summary? How will people know what their getting themselves into by opening the link?" asked Ginny, who was clearly also appalled by this piece of news. It is the author's opinion that the teens had found themselves rather bored with the state of world affairs since Voldemort's defeat, and therefore were becoming entirely too worked up over normal everyday problems in order to put a little bit of excitement back into their lives. The author finds this appalling.

"So do you reckon we ought to write a summary then?" asked Harry, getting that gleam in his eyes that he used to get before he would take on a particularly dangerous mission. This turned Ginny on, and she wanted to kiss him then and there. However, she knew her desire would have to wait. They had a summary to write!

"Yes, I think we have no choice," said Hermione conspiratorily. "But how shall we go about doing so?"

"Why don't we look at some summaries other people have put with their stories. Then we can see how it's done," suggested Ginny.

"Sounds dangerous," said Harry. "We may suffer massive brain-cell reduction."

"Yes, but that's a chance that one has to take when reading fanfiction," said Harry.

"Yes, remember Hermione, we are all Gryffindors here!" registered Ron bravely.

"Yeah, you're right," said Hermione, and so, with her breathing tense and her wand in the battle-position, she clicked on the requisite internet links that got her to the first page of summaries on fanfiction dot net. To prevent confusion, the author would like to stress at this point that the following summaries have not actually ever been used, at least to the best of the author's limited knowledge. However, some have been inspired by actual summaries, and sadly none would actually surprise the author. Assume all spelling errors in the summaries or titles are intentional, whether or not they actually are.

Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Ron were faced with the following rather terrifying advertisements for stories:

1. _Mademoisselle Fleur Delacour's Nunnery _By: Averytroubledfifthgrader

What happens when 17 year old Fleur Delacour decides to break off all ties with the Wizarding World and open up a convent for veelas who are called to live lives of chastity? Will Voldemort use the Veela-nuns to capture Harry Potter and shove tortoises down his throat? Read to find out!

2. _Siriusly Doped Up_By: Probablyacrackaddict

Sirius is on drugs and Remus is the only one who can reach out and touch this troubled man's... soul. But how can he do this when Wormtail is trying to crowd his game? Will Lily Evans help Sirius and Remus hook up?

3. _Hermione Malfoy_By: NarcissaLupin

Malfoy has got needs. But then, who doesn't? Hermione always thought that _she _didn't, but when Malfoy shows her how much of a prude she's being over all these years, she immediately marries him. Will their first child turn out to be Voldemort's sixth Horcrux?

4. _This Lily Never Wilts_By: Amonkeywithakeyboard

A story following Lily threw her seven yeers at Hoggwarts, including: finding out that she's a seer, finding out that she's not muggle-born after all, finding out that she's pregnant with Lucius Malfoy's child, and, above all, finding out that shees actually a prinnces.

5. _Father of Mine_By: apsycopath

Harry goes back in time and falls in love with his own father and becomes his own mother. No slash though, 'cause Harry has a sex change. Not as weird as it sounds. Just read. Seriously. I'm a REALLY good writer! I swear!

6. _Harry's Seventh Year_By: jamesweasley

Im know goode at summeries. I also can't speel. Butt my stories pretty good. Reed it, and tell everyone you know to rede it. But don't tell them that it sucks. 'Cause it doesn't.

7. _I killed my father?_By: JKRowling'sstalker

It turns out that Dumbledore had a child with Professor McGonagall back in... probably the fifties or something. Anyway the kid was Snape. How will Snape find react when he learns he killed his father? Did he really kill him? Is Neville Longbottom really a ferret? Find out!

8. _A Diary_By: Illiterateoddball

Don't read this unless you have explicit written consent by Ginny Weasley herself, otherwise your computer will actually explode. You want to test it? Just click on the link. And don't forget to review.

9. _Dumbledore's Field Day_By: baseballplayer

What happens when Dumbledore goes more insane than usual and decides to replace Quidditch with baseball as Hogwarts' official sport? And who's this hot muggle-born baseball player who shows up to teach Ginny how to play? Could it be the author?

10. _Harry and Ginny's first anniversary_By: aromantic

The war's over, and Harry and Ginny have been married for a year. Will Harry be able to find Ginny the perfect gift? Will the perfect gift be a puppy? What kind of puppy? Why do summaries include so many rhetorical questions?

11. _Romance at Hogwurst_By: alustygentleman

Pairings HPOC GWOC RLNT NLHG RWLL ABCD EFGH. Much Fluffiness, but no slash, at least not until I figure out who AB CD EF and GH are. Rated K+ For mild pregnancy and some suggestive lyrics.

12. _A good story_By: Someone

I can't be held responsible for whatever is in this story, I wrote it while I was on a sugar high. Actually, I didn't even write it. A friend of mine did. And then she fled the country. So, no flames, or I'll hunt you down and poke you with a straw. Or at least flame you back.

13. _Harry Potter and the Year of the Serpent_By: ParseltongueMalfoy

We all know that Harry's Parseltongue. But snake? Voldemort plan eat Dobby. Will Harry be able to save Dobby and eat all the Horcruxes in the nick of time? Or else!

The four of them had been taking turns reading the summaries out loud, because this was the only reasonable way the author could think of that they'd all be at the same spot at the same time so that the following dialogue could take place:

"Wait a second," said Harry. "That one doesn't even make coherent sense!"

"Well, none of them actually made a lot of sense," reminded Ginny.

"Yeah, but that one seemed to be missing chunks out of it," said Harry.

"Well, you see, fanfiction dot net only allows a certain number of characters per review" said Hermione, "so I think that some authors simply write as much as they want to, and then just randomly delete words to cut it down to the proper size. I think that that's what we should do, when the time comes to it."

"Sounds good to me," said Ron.

The four teens continued to read some more summaries, but the author is not quite in the mood to think out very many more, so he won't. If the reader is insufficiently entertained by the above summaries, the author would recommend that the reader just go read some more of the summaries on the actual web-page, as some of them are quite amusing.

Either way, after about five more minutes of reading mind-numbing summaries, Harry and his friends found that they were ready to write a summary of their own.

"Okay, so what we've got to make sure to do here to write the most effective summary," said Hermione, "seems to be to do whatever we can to make people read the story. This means writing the most eccentric summary possible, even if some of the things in the summary have not technically been included in the story yet. Let's have a go then."

By a process which the author would feel more comfortable not having to explain, the four of them came up with the following summary.

_Harry Potter and the Quest For the Whore Crushes_By: Harryandco

_We're not very good at writing summaries. But some interesting stuff will happen during this story. Snape finds out that he's actually Dumbledore in disguise. Some of this was written by Ginny while she was on a sugar-high. Hermione Granger turns out to be born through Snape's illicit affair with McGonagall. Oh, and of course, the whorecrushes have to date Harry. Read and review, but don't flame! _

"That's way too long," complained Harry, after it was written. "There's no way that we can get that on the summary page!"

"Don't worry," said Hermione. "Like I said, we can just cut it down, and leave in only the important words. Let's try this."

The new summary read:

_We're not very good. But interesting Snape finds Dumbledore high. Hermione turns out to be a whore to date Harry. Review!_

"Well..." said Ron, after looking the summary over. "It doesn't actually represent our story accurately at all."

"That's all right, most summaries don't," said Hermione. "And I'm not sure that most people who end up reading stories do so by merit of the summaries. I'm not quite sure how they do decide which stories to read, but that's one of the great mysteries of fanfiction, probably never to be discovered."

"Oh," said Harry. "I'm vaguely disappointed. But not overly so. Anyway, I think that since we've put so much work into writing this summary, we should knock off for the day and play some Quidditch."

"Wait, we've got to write at least a little bit or else no one will review!" said Hermione.

"That'd be such a shame," said Ron, who was beginning to think that Hermione's obsession with reviews was becoming vaguely unhealthy once again. She had, after all, just determined that him being kidnapped by an American teenager was generally worth the nine reviews that the previous review ploy had procured.

At any rate, the three others were about to sneak off and play Quiddtich anyway when Hermione shot them the kind of look that reminded them that if they messed with her, they'd probably end up cursed with hexes that they didn't even know existed. So they helped her come up with the following very short chapter, which shall be uninterrupted by character dialogue on the grounds that it's pretty late at night and the author feels that he really ought to get to sleep but also that he really ought to post this chapter before he goes to bed. Which _also _explains why there are probably several unintentional typoes in this chapter.

_A/N: The following chapter has been written in quite a hurry because several of the authors really want to get outside and play Quidditch. However the _other _author has a vested interest in putting a new chapter up, and the remaing authors know better than to mess with her. So... enjoy._

_One morning Harry realized that it was about time for him to come of age. So, he turned 17 on a day in late July. Nothing interesting happened over the remainder of the summar, accept for an encounter with Fred and George which somehow caused Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Harry to all attempt to perform the tango on broomsticks at midnight in the air above Hogsmeade. The details of this encounter shall not be thoroughly explained because the time it would take to invent them would be better well spent on broomsticks above the _Burrow_. Suffice it to say that the immediate cause of the airborn tango was the responsibility of a new product now available at Weasley Wizards' Wheezes for the ridiculously low price of 8 sickles and 7 knuts. (The authors would like to point out that, in addition to their normal roll as fanfiction writers, Ron and Ginny are also now official advertisers for Weasleys' Wizards Wheezes and that the authors do not at all find this to be selling out, as Fred and George pay us in galleons instead of reviews. For those of you who may thing that this is the very _definition _of selling out, we say only that money talks.)_

_Anyway, the main point of this chapter will be to get Harry back to school so that he can start looking for the whorecrushes, who are, apparently, the actual focus of this entire story, even though none of them have technically appeared at all during the previous chapters. _

_So, the month between Harry's birthday and the day that the Hogwarts' Express takes the students back to Hogwarts shall be unapologetically skipped over. On the day of the start of term, there was a very hectic morning. This also will not be delved into to any great degree of specificity, but there are three things that must be said about that morning. First of all, Ron and Hermione got into a very spirited shouting match. The two of them are required by fanfiction custom to get into several fights during any story in which they are a couple, and we've been largely neglecting this convention. Second of all, Mrs. Weasley screamed a whole lot and made a great fool out of herself so that the author could slide in another subtle reference to how much Ginny has in common with her mother. For some reason, fanfiction authors seem to enjoy this. Third of all, approximately two dozen live lemmings were discovered in the Weasley refrigerator playing high-stakes game of twister. This may seem highly irrelevant to the reader at the present moment, but will actually turn out to be a major plot point in later chapters, assuming that the authors remember that they made this promise when they're _writing _future chapters._

_Anyway, soon, after heading to platform 9 3/4 with an escort of anywhere from 3 to 300 Order Members, the trio (oh yeah, and Ginny too) got on the train and found a compartment, meeting up with Neville and Luna, and pretty much everybody from the school, all crammed into that one compartment. Including Blaise, with whom fanfiction writers seem to have an unhealthy obsession. _

_At this point, before the train pulled away from the station, Harry discoverd that the was wearing one of Ginny's discount badges. The authors have just realized that they neglected to pick a word of the chapter for this chapter, and have decided that "lemming" is the retroactive word of the chapter. Anyway, the baton said "My lemming is orange and Draco's lemming is a prostitute's pet." When pressed, the button said. "Yes, that _does _mean that I'm calling Draco a prostitute."_

_At this point, several lemmings hopped onto the foodcart, hijacked it, and drove it to the nearest town. Yes, the lemmings drove the foodcart. They were magic lemmings, and it was a magic foodcart. All of these things may also become major plot points in future chapters, although the authors have no clear idea at present of _how _exactly that might happen. _

_Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, Hogwarts came into view almost instantly, allowing virtually no time for conversation and allowing the authors to knock off and play Quidditch._

"Oh fine," said Hermione irritably, when Harry, who had been typing the most recent bit, looked up hopefully. "But we're going to work really hard on next chapter and make sure that it's good. We can't go slacking now."

"Okay, we wouldn't dream of it," said Ron happily as he grabbed his broom and skipped outside (that's right, skipped).

Hermione stayed back to write the ending author's note.

_A/N: Er... sorry about the hasty nature of the previous chapter, but the others really wanted to play Quidditch, and it _is _a very nice day for it. Far be it from me to stand between them and their Quidditch. I'm afraid they find me somewhat bossy as it is. _Anyway, _we've been instructed by the Weasley twins to distribute free samples of the air-tango-inducing product which was shamelessly promoted during this chapter to anyone who reviews. So, review, and by nightfall, you'll end up doing the tango on your broomstick in the air over Hogsmeade. For those of you who might be considering pointing out that you do not visit Hogsmeade, own a flying broom, or even actually _know _the tango, i say only: stop being such downers. And review!_

A/N: So, that chapter was fairly rushed, but then again, it was also fairly long. I want to put it up now without proofreading it so that I can go to bed and post it as quickly as possible, so some of the typoes above may not be intentional, and there's also really no guarantee that the previous chapter made any sense, or was even humorous. But... it was an attempt, and it was a quick attempt. So... hope you enjoyed it.


	6. An Odd Start of Term

Chapter 6:

An Odd Start of Term

Because the author finished his sophomore year of college yesterday, it is now time for another chapter of this parody to be written. _Some _people may think that someone who just finished his sophomore year of college is too old to write fan-fictions. Fortunately for the author, he doesn't much care.

Ginny, Harry, Hermione, and Ron filed into the room in alphabetical order by favorite color. After that, Hermione began another of her strategic pre-writing session pep-talks.

"All right, here's what we're going to have to do," explained Hermione. "First off, we've been having plenty of typographical errors, but they've just about stopped being funny. Thus, we have to go out of our way to make sure that the typos are amusing, or else just give up on them. Also, we can't neglect grammatical errors. For instance, we've been having entirely too few sentence fragments, run-on sentences, unnecessary commas, and completely missing words. Thus, our story no longer accurately reflects the type of fanfiction that we're trying to make fun of."

"Hermione, are you angry at us?" asked Ron, apprehensively.

"No," explained Hermione. "I'm just disappointed."

"That's weird," noticed Ginny.

"So am I," confessed Hermione.

"But we all knew that," said Harry. "What we don't know is what we're going to do this chapter."

"Well…" said Hermione reluctantly. "I don't have the agenda… Crookshanks…"

"Wait… Crookshanks ate the agenda?" asked Ron, wondering if he might finally be about to like this cat.

"No, she actually crumpled it up and flushed it down the toilet," said Hermione.

"That's kind of cool," opined Ron.

"No," said Hermione sternly, "it's not."

"Oh, yeah," agreed Ron. "I had forgotten."

"Anyway…" continued Harry. "Do you remember anything that's supposed to happen this chapter?"

"Well," said Hermione. "One idea that seems to be being used a bit too much is the idea that Dumbledore's portrait will be a major character in this book, considering that apparently the plotd would not be able to move on without him. Another thing that people often like to do is to bring a long-lost granddaughter of Dumbledore into the story as a Mary-Sue."

"Ooh, maybe she could help Harry woo the whore-crushes!" suggested Ginny.

"That sounds like a decent idea," said Harry.

"Okay, and let's have the word of the chapter be 'lusty' as in 'come with me thou lusty gentlemen,' which is perhaps my favorite line in all of Shakespeare's works. Because apparently, I read Shakespeare sometimes," said Ginny.

"All right, then, let's start working on it," said Hermione, who was beginning to crave her next review-fix in a bad way. Even though the author is having a hard time imagining a _good _way in which to crave reviews. That's completely irrelevant. So is the fact that the author believes Ben and Jerry's cherry Garcia ice-cream is one of the seven greatest inventions of all time. But he still thought it was worth a mention. At any rate, the author seems to have lost his focus, and would advise the reader to retroactively ignore the last 3 lines or so and proceed to the next section, which has been written for your enjoyment. Oh, right. Ron was the one who wrote the beginning author's note.

_Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I, Ronald Weasley, should in no way be confused with J.K. Rowling, a bowling ball, or a hamster. Neither should any of my three fellow authors. Nor should we be sent to prison, sued, or made to walk any form of a tight-rope. We would also never eat ice-cream for breakfast because _that_ would be out of control. _

_Author's Note: The following chapter is going to include some themes which may not be suited for people lacking the moral character to know that just because people like Voldemort and Dumbledore had children out of wedlock does not mean that they should in turn go and get themselves impregnated. The following chapter is also not suitable for cabbage-patch kids, neo-pets, or toasters. Not that I imagine toasters have much time to read anyway. I fully, recognize that I have no idea what, one is supposed to actually type in an authors' note. _

"That made very little sense," pointed out Ginny.

"So do you," said Ron.

"Okay, I'm going to write the next bit, if that's all right," said Ginny.

"Okay, and remember, try to make it good. We've got to try to get reviews," said Hermione.

"Can't we just write for our own satisfaction?" asked Ginny.

"But then how will we know whether we've written a good fanfiction?" asked Hermione.

"Why do we care whether we can write a good fanfiction?" asked Ginny.

"Because otherwise we can't get any reviews. And I don't care if that's circular logic," announced Hermione.

"Fine," said Ginny, rolling her eyes and beginning to type.

_Transitionally, the story will now skip immediately to the sorting-ceremony. McGonagall brought the sorting hat into a lustily prominent place in the dining-hall. The sorting-hat began to sing:_

_"It's tough to be a sorting hat like me,_

_Oftentimes I think I'd rather be a tree,_

_But then I would not get to make stupid rhymes,_

_Warning students that they're about to enter tough times,_

_So let me use my powers of odd foreknowledge,_

_Which I got without having to go to college,_

_To tell you that some weird things must happen this year,_

_Which may cause some of you to tremble in fear._

_This fate of the world relies on the dating-skills of the chosen-one,_

_Who I've heard is also James Potter's only son._

_That I haven't mentioned the houses yet is something I realize,_

_But I hope that this will not cause you to despise,_

_For now I will mention that the whore-crush from Slytherin,_

_Will not be the type of person that Harry would find allurin'_

_But he will rather enjoy dating the one from Ravenclaw,_

_Who is pretty enough to make one's mouth open in awe._

_Another, from the house of hardworking Hufflepuff,_

_Will be rather confused by some of the simplest stuff._

_And of course, the whore-crush from Gryffindor,_

_Will never be able to make Harry's heart soar."_

_Then, the sorting hat stopped singing. The student body, except for Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, was exceptionally confused. But then, they remembered that very little ever made sense at Hogwarts and that this fact was one that they had rather gotten used to. _

_The students were then sorted, which is not at all worth describing except to note that three of the children were named very oddly. One was called Big Joe's Discount Car Repair, another was named Jellybean Bunny, and the third was named King Louis The Fourteenth, although he had no relation to the former French monarch. We have reason to believe that the parents of these children were probably communists in the 1920s. _

_Then, McGonagall said, "I would now like to introduce the student body to your new headmaster, who will then allow the eating to start," said McGonagall lustily._

_Ron applauded at the concept of eating._

_McGonagall then removed the sheet that was covering a portrait which was occupying the headmaster's spot at the table. The portrait turned out to be the portrait of Albus Dumbledore, as it seems that a fair amount of fanfiction readers/writers believe this portrait to be, while not quite as great as Dumbledore himself, still a more capable wizard than about 99 of other wiserds._

_The portrait of course had been conveniently festooned with, one, of Ginny's, lusty, discount, buttons. The button said, "Narcotic chipmunks make smarmy ducks nervous." McGonagall believed this to be inappropriate for a headmaster to wear, so she pressed the button so that it said "Antisocial Democrats sell for half price at Wal-Mart." McGonagall gave up._

"All right, well. I got my button into the chapter, so that's all I really needed to do. So… Harry, want a go?" asked Ginny.

"Sure," said Harry.

"Okay, now, Harry, if you remember from the last time we wrote a fanfiction, Dumbledore is pretty much not allowed to say anything coherent because it seems fanfiction writers are obliged to over-interpret Dumbledore's admittedly eccentric character to the point of utter incoherence. Wow, that was a long sentence," said Hermione.

Harry began to write.

_Dumbledore began to speak, acting as if it were not at all odd that he was now addressing his student body through a portrait even though he was technically dead. The student body accepted this and decided that, on the whole, this was actually pretty normal by Dumbledore's standards. Why shoed something as muggly as death stop Dumbledore from leading Hogwarts?_

_"I have a few beginning of term announcements that you should be aware of before you eat. First of all: From this point forward, instead of headmaster, I would like to be referred to as the Thigh-master in honor of the new muggle exercise device which I have seen advertised on the telly and which looks downright spiffy. Further I would, like, everyone to know that the brussel-sprouts which will soon appear on the tables are forbidden for anyone to eat who is under their fourth year. They're not your average Brussels sprouts, and the younger students would be well- advised not you use them. Other than that, let's eat!"_

_So, they did. Of course, all the students, especially those between first and fourth years, immediately scarfed down some Brussels-sprouts. They caused the eater to realize that Snape and McGonagall had dated for a short time during the trio's second year, and that neither of their intentions had been quite puer. Several students threw-up, causing the Brussels-sprouts to be regurgitated and those lucky students who had thrown up to completely forget the knowledge they just gained. Since misery loves company, those students who still had the knowledge would have passed it on, except it wasn't the infourmayshin that they could bring themselves to say out loud. _

_After the feast during which Dumbledore's portrait curiously devoured an entire meatball sub and side of onion-rings Dumbledore continued to make his speech which for some reason contained virtually no sense and entirely too many interjections._

_"Hooligans!" he began. "As you all know by now, the time has come for us all to face the fact that no one is safe at this school or anywhere else. That is why I have come back to protect you. For, as I mentioned in the second book, I have never truly left Hogwarts until there is no one here who can still do the Macarena. And, as we further know, McGonagall is a quite skilled Macarena-er. Bow-Splidgety! I would also like to take a moment to introduce you all to a new student who will joining you all this semester. She is the granddaughter of both myself and Voldemort. You see, what happened was that, back in my lustier days, I had certain relations of the type which it is not my job to tell you about with a woman who later turned out to be Severus Snape's daughter. (A time-turner was involved.) Grapes! As I was saying, this sacred union produced a son who's name was Cheerful Snape (the son kept his mother's name since I never owned up and actually married the mother. Ah, youth!) Cheerful would later grow up to marry Helen Riddle, the daughter of Voldemort and Fleur Delacour (this, of course, also must have somehow involved a time-turner, considering that in order for all this to work out, by the time Fleur Delacour was 3, her daughter must have been old enough to give birth to my grand-daughter, who is now 17 years old and has spent her childhood in America.) Jingle Bells!"_

"That was… weird," stated Ron.

"Well, it wasn't supposed to make sense," stated Harry.

"Indeed. I suppose that I might as well describe the granddaughter for a bit before adding an author's note," said Hermione. So, she did.

_Dumbledore's granddaughter walked into the room. She looked exactedly like Dumbledore, but prettier, with a nicer face, no gray-hair (it was actually magenta), and a much better body. So… basically, their eyes looked similar. Several boys immediately lusted lustily after her. She was automatically sorted into the Gryffindor House, mostly because everyone was afraid to allow the Sorting-Hat to talk again._

_"Hi," said Dumbledore's granddaughter, once she had sat down next to Harry. "My name is Clarissa Lusty Dumbledore. My last name used to be Riddle, but I'm not mean like him, so I changed my last name to Dumbledore instead, because I'm cool like Dumbledore. I am a Mary-Sue, and am essential to the plot because I will allow the authors to throw in otherwise completely unjustifiable instances of American slang, and I will also improve Harry's game to the point where he can go out with all four whore-crushes within this year of school and still have enough time left over to kill Voldemort, win the Quidditch Cup, propose to Ginny, take his N.E.W.T.'s, and learn how to drive a car in all fifty states while under the influence of a calculator. It's gonna be a blast!"_

_A/N: And perhaps it will be. We'll have to wait until next chapter to find out. I'm not really sure whether or not this chapter actually justifies reviews, considering that I've been too busy during most of the past hour making grilled cheese to pay much attention, but I do hope that we'll get some reviews anyway. But, at the moment, I'm off to eat some grild cheese. So, farewell fair reader, fare the well!_

A/N: Hmmm… Once again, this chapter may well be completely stupid. I'll read over it once, see if I can deal with putting it up, and then put it up if I don't feel that doing so would compromise whatever reputation I may have acquired as a somewhat witty parody-writer.


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